No Words…

 I got a call from twelve year old as I was driving home from work. He said he’s suicidal. He’s 12. He says he’s overwhelmed and anxious over finishing his make up work. He tested positive for Covid during the second week of school. He hasn’t received his school iPad yet, and that’s how they get all their assignments. In fact, he wasn’t given his iPad until 3 days after he returned from quarantine. I’ve received several messages and phone calls from one of his teachers, telling me he’s failing her class due to missing assignments. She had not put his make up work online yet, and continues to hound him about it. He called me, in tears, saying he’s having suicidal thoughts over all this. 

Anyone who truly knows my child knows how sensitive he is. He’s been through a lot during his little life. He’s witness domestic violence. He’s lost a grandma, a great grandma, his Pap, and his 16 year old aunt. He’s had to deal with bullies. He’s been in and out of therapy. Now this? I feel like I’ve failed as a mother. I’ve inquired about virtual schooling, but does that solve the problem or run away from it? Being a parent is the hardest job in the world. I’ve tried so hard to shield him from all my drama. But here I am, whining about all my bullshit, and my child is thinking about suicide. I hug him. I kiss him. I tell him I love him constantly. I do special things for him often. And still, this is what his mind is thinking about. All over some homework. Homework. 

Do you know what I was thinking about at 12? Probably boys. Or makeup. Or cheerleading. Something dumb, I guarantee that. I definitely wasn’t thinking about killing myself. How did our society get to this point? Working in the schools, I see so many depressed children. It’s heartbreaking. So many kids being raised by random family members. So many kids who can’t read. So many kids who don’t even have their own tooth brush. I don’t know how the world got to this point. 

Please keep Odin in your thoughts and prayers as we continue to work though all of this. He’s my whole world and I can’t imagine my life without him.