Better, Not Bitter…

 I spent my day at a company wide, six hour, mandatory staff meeting. I’ve been dreading this thing for months. I knew they were going to make us sit with people we didn’t know and feed us stale cookies. They gave out kitchen gadgets as door prizes, which I did not win. They served us warm bottles of water with the company logo on them. And best of all, gave us a treat bag full of hand sanitizers, chapsticks, and pens all covered in that beautiful company logo. I was seated across the table from our Human Resources lady, so I had to be on my best behavior and choose my words wisely. Not an easy task for this sassy mouth. After serving us some mushy pasta for lunch, they brought out the guest speaker. 

She was an older woman with blue and purple hair. She reminded me of Phyllis Diller. She spoke on kindness and told stories of her exciting life. She sang funny songs and told funny stories. Told jokes about trying to lose weight quickly and trying on clothes that obviously would never fit. Then she started speaking about how we react to situations being our choice. I felt like she was speaking directly to me. This is something I’ve been working on for the past few weeks. I’ve been trying to use this logic during the whole break up thing. 

I keep trying to remind myself to be thankful for the time we had together and the lessons I learned. He taught me to not only how to love a man again, but also how to love myself. He taught me how to trust someone again. He made me laugh until I cried. And he made me feel beautiful, intelligent, hilarious, interesting, and wanted. I wasn’t sure if ever feel that way again. Even though I’m bitter about it being over, I’m better because it happened. Not just anyone would make me Chinese food at 2am while listening to One Direction, or not judge me when I say I want a tackle box to put food in. He was different than any other man I’ve dated. I had truly never been happier. I feel like these are things I should say to him, but I never seem to have the words when we speak. He’s far from perfect, and entirely too hard on himself, but made me feel alive for the first time in a long time. He wants time to focus on himself. I don’t understand it, but I respect it. I really do just want him to be happy. His happiness means more than my own. As much as I am still hurt & confused by everything that’s happened in the last two weeks, and still  grieving the life we talked about having together one day, I still wish him nothing but the best in life & will continue to pray for him. He’s forced me to grow as a person, because I never would’ve said these things after the end of a relationship, and I am forever grateful. 

This will be my last post about him, I have to force myself move on. I’m just getting pathetic at this point…haha!