Defensive behavior…

People often get defensive because they feel threatened or attacked, which can stem from a fear of judgment, lack of confidence, perceived threat to their identity, anxiety, a desire to deflect blame, embarrassment, or simply feeling like they are being personally targeted in a situation. 

Most individuals have had an experience with a person who has the tendency to get defensive. Getting defensive can take many different forms, including verbal attacks, denial (denying what has been said), fabrication (outright lying), avoidance (not allowing any discussion on the matter), gaslighting (e.g., calling the other person “crazy” or suggesting something is wrong with the other person) and others.

At their root, all defensive behaviors have this in common: sending a message to the other person that what the person is saying is wrong or a problem. What’s more, the message is that the person is “out of line” for addressing them or attempting to hold them accountable for something in the first place. The takeaway message is that such confrontation — as fair or appropriate as it may be — is unacceptable and will not be allowed.

When a person gets extremely defensive, the limbic system in their brain — the one involved with the processing of emotions — has been activated. Mental health clinicians refer to this reaction as primitive but another way to think of it is somewhat animalistic. Human beings have brains and a cerebral cortex, specifically, that are astonishingly sophisticated. Humans have the capacity for all sorts of mental activities that sets them apart from other mammals, but it is important to remember that, at root, human beings are still living, breathing organisms that have automatic survival systems built in for self-protection.

Put another way, no one would ever refer to an alligator as “mean” for tearing apart a fisherman. Why not? Because we understand that an alligator’s brain is structurally different from a human’s. Though a human being’s version of protecting himself will look different — say, in the form of getting defensive — the defensive reaction is just as primitive, quick and — yes, brain-based — as an alligator’s. It's important for humans in relationships to understand that what happens in our brains while we argue or fight is largely determining what we are saying or doing.