Word Vomit…

 So, my journey is started. I’m still in the honeymoon phase. Still optimistic, thinking I can fix everything I’ve screwed up lately. Thinking I can be skinny, healthy, sober, and normal in no time. Thinking everyone will just go back to loving me without any repercussions. I know I am currently living in a state of delusion. Realistically, I know this is going to be really hard and a lot of work. 

So many people have come up to me this week to tell me how happy I look. It’s embarrassing. I can’t tell them everything changed over the past week. I just smile and say thank you. But inside, I want to cry. I’ve recently gotten rid of my social media. Before I wanted to admit I have a problem, I wanted to the world to see my smile. I had convinced myself that I had finally found what I had wanted my whole life, but deep down I knew it would all blow up in my face eventually. That moment came and I no longer wanted the world to see. 

I have disappointed so many people lately, but knowing I’ve hurt my son is the worst. I had to tell him something he was really looking forward to having to be postponed, because of something I did. Seeing the hurt in his eyes absolutely wrecked me. He always tells me I’m the best. But in the moment, I felt like the worst. I don’t know why he loves me so much. I definitely do not deserve him. 

I know dwelling in my own self pity is not helping the situation, but I feel like I need to get all of my negative feelings out so I can move on. I’ve held so much in for so long. Spewing word vomit on here is actually very therapeutic. I thought my therapist was an idiot for making me journal things, but it turns out I don’t just pay her for fun. She’s teaching me a lot. The main thing I’ve learned so far is sometimes I am the problem. I need to own that and change it. 

 

Trying to stay optimistic,

Jamie