Giving Up Things To Better Myself...

    He reached out to me on Thanksgiving. We met up, the spark was still there, so we decided to see what happened. Flash forward to four months later. I almost ruined things. Again. I thought I'd be ok with having a drink or two. But two turned into three. Three turned into four. Four turned into five. And five turned into a fight. Earlier this week, he told me the fighting wasn't worth it. He wanted to be done. All because I put alcohol before our relationship. We really only fight when I decided to get drunk. I take full responsibility for that. But I also know that's not really who I am. I know my anxiety medication makes the effects of alcohol more intense. I know I shouldn't drink heavily on it, but at times I felt like I needed an escape after a long week at work. So I have decided to really be done. It's not worth it. He's decided to see if my drinking really is the issue, and give things one last chance. I am so grateful. I think things are great, when we aren't drunk and fighting. Maybe things won't work out between us, and that's ok, but I feel like I need to give this everything I've got. If it doesn;t work, all this will at least put me in the right headspace and help me grow for the one I'm supposed to be with. I am so tired of stressing and overthinking. It is exhausting. I just can't keep living my life this way. I am craving happiness and fun. I am going into the weekend focusing on that. Although money doesn't solve problems, I did purchase hockey tickets as a way to say 'I'm sorry', and get him out of the house of a little bit. I've never been to a hockey game. As a sports fan, I am really looking forward to it. It's going to be a good weekend. I can feel it. 

    On another note, I just found out a close family member has cancer. I've been catering to my mom and her swollen, purple foot. Work has been insane this week. And Saturday is my sister's birthday, the one that passed away. She would've been 20. Crazy. I've worked really hard to not let any of it get me down this week. I feel good. I am eating better and exercising. I am sleeping better. It's nice to not let things I can't control drag me down. My therapist is proud. She's put alot of time and effort into my wellbeing. It feels good to get postitive praise from someone who has heard the stories of my rough past.