What Anxiety Feels Like...

 If you don't struggle with your mental health, consider yourself lucky. My journey with mental health struggles started over ten years ago. I was married at the time. Shortly after I was married, my ex did a 180. The loving person I once knew became very angry, and became quite unfaithful. Things got physical several times. Long story short, I left. That period in my life started my struggles with anxiety. I started having panic attacks anytime someone raised their voice to me or grabbed me by the arm, no matter the circumstances. Panic attacks make you feel like you're drowning. You literally do not know which way is  up. You're sweaty, dizzy, shaky, nauseous. You start overthinking everything. You honestly feel like you could die. You do just as the name suggests, you panic. 

It took me about four years to get over all of that. Shortly after I started feeling like myself again, my dad died. Sudden heart attack. Going trough that made domestic violence feel like a walk in the park. I started going through depression. I did not want to get out of bed. I didn't want to be around anyone. Six months after he passed, my sister was killed in a car wreck. Six months after that, I was a nurse in the middle of a pandemic. That's when my anxiety went through the roof. I was terrified of losing anyone else around me. I honestly started to have abandonment issues. I couldn't wrap my head around why everyone I loved was leaving me. I had frequent moments of panic. When I panic, I feel like I need to fix everything in the moment. I feel like if I don’t try to fix it right away, I’ll never be able to fix it. Which I know now, only adds fuel to the fire. 

About six months ago, I got into my first "serious" relationship since my marriage ended. I was not ready. It ended because of me, I take full responsibility for that. I didn't know how to love someone. I didn't know how to explain to someone my past or how I needed to be loved. He didn't want me to take my medications long term. He was afraid of long term effects. So I made the choice to try to switch medications, which sent me into a manic episode. I completely stopped my anxiety meds, which sent me spiraling. I understand why he called me crazy. I was crazy. My mind was at war with itself. He has never lost anyone close to him. He's never been in an abusive relationship. He didn't understand what I was going through. He didn't understand how I was feeling. He doesn't know how it feels to be on a medication that makes you feel worse. He doesn't understand how it feels to abuptly stop a medication like that. He didn't know how to love me. I can't fault him for that. It wasn't the right time for me to try any of those things on my own. I've been back on my Prozac for six weeks. I've been back in therapy. I've been working really hard on myself. And I am finally starting to feel 'normal' again. But I am also still going through ‘firsts’ without my dad. I am still heartbroken over losing him. I still break down thinking about all the things in my life he won’t be here for. I still cry. Not as often, but it happens. If you haven’t gone through losing a parent you were very close to, you won’t understand the pain. Grief comes in waves, and that wave can hit out of nowhere. That wave can be triggered by the smallest thing. It’s crazy, but football season is the hardest for me. 

I am working so hard on loving myself, first and foremost. I want to be able to love and trust people again. I don't want to worry about people leaving me. I don't want to worry about people thinking I'm a psycho. I also want to help those who are going through the same things. No one should ever feel alone, especially when going through things like that.