Something I’ve never told anyone…

I have an eating disorder. 

I've had an unhealthy relationship with food since I was a teenager. Growing up in the 90s/2000s was hard. At least when it comes to body image. Low rise jeans and crop topwere all the rage. The Victoria's Secret Fashion Show was the most watched event on TV. Female pop stars were the it girls. We were made to feel like we should all look like Paris Hilton. Tall, tan, skinny, and hot. I weighed 115-120 pounds in high school. I was a varsity cheerleader. The coach told us we had to look a certain way. That's when my issues with eating started. To stay in a uniform that was a little too small, I would skip breakast and lunch, go to practice and sweat for two hours, then go home and eat dinner. I was small. But I thought I was too big. The unhealthy eating lasted through high school. I went to college and gained about ten pounds. I started working out. I was healthy. I stayed at that weight until I got pregnant. That's when the opposite happened. I started binge eating. I was married but wasn't ready to have a baby. I had never wanted kids. We had just gotten married. I wasn't ready for all this. So the binging started. I couldn't starve my baby so I ate too much. Food was a comfort for me. I was 196 pounds when I gave birth. I found out my now ex-shuband was cheating on me, which made me want to lose weight. I got down to 145 pounds and stayed there for awhile. After we got a divorce, my weight fluctuated between 165-180. I have a big butt and big thighs, I thought I carried the weight pretty well. I found a medication that helped with both my ADHD and my binge eating. I stayed on that for years. Until about 7 months ago, when I got my current job. My health insurance kept getting switched around and I haven't been on my medication since. It's been a struggle. I've gained some weight. I've felt really down. The binging started again. I've been eating whatever I want, whenever I want. I haven't been sticking to my food allergy diet. I will eat until I want to explode. Two days ago, I decided to really start taking my health seriously. I am back on my food allergy diet but I binged yesterday. And for the first time, I made myself throw up after. That's the moment I knew I had to make some real changes. I decided to start back to therapy. I went to a med spa and got started on semaglutide. It's supposed to keep you from being able to binge. It also helps with weight loss. I applied to a bunch of different jobs. I got a call today for a floor nurse position at the local hospital. It will be a day shift position and the insurace benefits begin immediately. The pay will be a few dollars less on the hour, but prioritizing myself makes it worth it. My eating disorder is something I have never told anyone about. My family doesn't know. My closest friends don't know. My child doesn't know. It feels really good to let my secret out. Holding it in was making it worse. Hopefully I will keep up with my journaling and use this to help hold myself accountable. 

Here's to the start of recovery!